First off let me just apologize for not blogging much in the last couple months (or maybe at all). I am not off to a good start to my new year’s resolution about blogging more. I plan to carve out some time each week to be better at that.
It was a rough morning. My family received some disheartening news. It involved a loss that we had felt for months, but this morning we received confirmation of one of the worst scenarios we had suspected. It was a day of mourning and tears. But amongst the tears God showed me some things about myself. I already knew, from reading Rose Marie Miller’s ‘From Fear to Freedom’, that I tend towards an “orphan” mindset. My sinful tendency is to try to rely on myself rather than God, to try to solve problems on my own, and try to take control of my own life.
I saw today that my pride of trying to be strong, trying to shield others and carry the burden alone, and trying to take control is not just in my relationship to God. It is also with my family. God showed me a picture of what it looks like when I try to do all of the above with Him, through my father. My natural tendency when I received the news was to not tell my father until he was safely home from work, even though I drove in an emotional state. I think to myself maybe he shouldn’t be told every detail , out of my control issue I typically want to know everything there is to know even though I regret it later if it is bad news, so then I want to shield him from that heartache and stress. When the loss first occurred I didn’t want to talk about it because it was too emotional, and talking about it meant verbalizing all the worst case scenarios that had entered my mind and that I had forbid myself to think. There were a couple instances where it naturally came up and I said I couldn’t talk about it. Probably due to the instant tears, people didn’t press. I probably wouldn’t have talked about it this morning with friends at bible study if I could have hidden it, but that is impossible when your eye lids are swollen to three times their normal size due to crying and your whole face is red and puffy.
But none of the above is what showed me how my pride in this area affects my relationship with God. What illustrated that was my siblings’ natural tendency to call my father at work to tell him immediately, and talk to him about it. They ran to our father, I ran away. They wanted him to have all the information we had been given, I wanted to shield him from the heartache. My family tends to talk about all the information and process together, I tend to grieve by myself and process alone. It was in seeing the reaction of my siblings that God whispered it was a picture of how I shut Him out at times. He knows that He has produced growth in this area of my life, but He wanted me to see there is still much more growth needed.
I don’t want my pride to be a barrier between my heavenly Father and me. I want to run to my heavenly Father instead of away when I am heartbroken and mourning. He is the only One that can truly comfort and heal a broken heart. I know this, and I eventually bring it to Him, but I need to bring it to Him sooner. He can handle my raw emotion and my messiness. He is waiting for me to turn to Him in those times, and embraces me once I choose Him.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30